Robin Hood, Prince of Compulsive and Pointless Theft
He steals from the rich to give to the poor, which sounds generous until you learn what he steals. The people of Sherwood do not need six unmatched salt shakers, twenty-three hotel towels, or a bag of decorative seashells. And yet, every few days, Robin bursts into the village grinning like a man who just dug up a treasure. “Good news!” he announces, carefully setting down a ceramic owl. “She’s heavy, so she must be worth something.” “We are starving, Robin,” the villagers reply. Robin nods sympathetically before handing an orphan three decorative soaps and a laminated loyalty card for a frozen yogurt chain that no longer exists. During one raid on Prince John’s castle, while the others searched for gold, Robin filled two sacks with teaspoons from the royal cafeteria and a framed photograph of someone nobody recognized. Little John once watched Robin risk his life dangling from a castle window just to steal a pen from a pharmaceutical conference. “Robin,” whispered Little John, clinging to the rope, “there are jewels right there.” “Yes,” Robin whispered back, “but this pen is shaped like a syringe.” During another raid on the Earl of Nottingham’s private estate, Friar Tuck picked the lock, Will Scarlet neutralized the guards, and Little John disabled the alarm bell. Robin Hood, meanwhile, emerged triumphantly carrying a single monogrammed bathrobe. He held the bathrobe aloft before the villagers. “Observe,” Robin whispered. “Pockets on both sides.” The villagers stared at him in exhausted silence. The authorities are not technically hunting Robin Hood, though several pubs, inns, and dentists’ offices have circulated sketches of him. The sketches are remarkably accurate. This is because Robin always introduces himself first. “Please,” the people of Sherwood beg, “help us pay our feudal taxes.” Determined to perform one genuinely useful robbery, Robin and the Merry Men decide to rob a bank. The plan is flawless. They bypass the guards. They crack the vault. They escape the Sheriff in a thrilling horseback chase through the forest. Hours later, Robin returns triumphantly holding a used pen attached to a small plastic chain. “Behold!” he cries. “Even tethered, it could not escape me.” The villagers stare silently. Then, against all reason, they erupt into applause. Because despite everything, Robin Hood had stolen their hearts too. This, finally, was something he could keep.