What My Life Would Be Like If All of Those Spam Texts Were Legit
I’d make three thousand dollars an hour working a remote job whose only requirements are disclosing my Social Security number, access to my Ring camera, and a somewhat stable internet connection. I’d rescue dozens of my own children, who are being held hostage, by paying their ransom exclusively with iTunes gift cards. I’d have a private meeting in a highly secure location with Sam Bankman-Fried to discuss exciting investment opportunities. I’d have quality health insurance. I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain. I’d have the world’s safest streaming services because I would constantly click on links to change my passwords. I’d be making a hundred-and-seventy-three-per-cent return on all of my investments while also not having to pay taxes on them because the returns are above the taxation threshold! I’d have a coveted seat on the board of Theranos 2.0. I’d be a digital minimalist because all of my photos and videos would be deleted on a daily basis. I’d have the coldest beverages, thanks to my highly efficient and effective Yeeti products. I’d be the recipient of a highly coveted grant from the prestigious foundation PUT FOUNDATION NAME HERE. I’d win the lottery, regularly. I’d be the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company that requires no prior experience. I’d be a guest at Dorothy’s thirty-fifth birthday party. I’d spend all of my vacations on free Caribbean cruises—that is, when I wasn’t at one of my various time-shares. I’d have cable, which would evidently be constantly at risk of being disconnected. I’d be literal royalty and have the deed to my family’s long-forgotten castle. I’d own four miniature schnauzers. I’d have such secure bank accounts because I would verify that they are safe multiple times a day. I’d have hundreds of years of car-insurance coverage on my nonexistent vehicle. I, along with my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, would enjoy complimentary deliveries of HelloFrish on a weekly basis. I’d be an esteemed purveyor of leggings and supplements who gets to spend all of my time with my existing friends, while, at the same time, making many more! I’d have the opportunity to audition to be an extra on “Law and Order,” if I show up to an abandoned warehouse at 3 A.M. without my phone (so that the story line doesn’t get leaked, of course). I’d win a niche contest for a free item that only requires two hundred and fifty dollars in shipping, handling, and assorted fees. I’d save the Red Lobster in Times Square by purchasing Google Play gift cards. I’d have access to a supersecret subway line directly below my apartment as a bonus for sending my rent via Cash App as opposed to my building’s payment portal. I’d have a pass to cut the line at the soft-serve or frozen-yogurt establishment of my choice. I’d be an honorary co-chair of the brand-new January Met Gala. I’d be a fractional owner of the W.N.B.A.’s New York Liberty. I’d refinance everything in my life, including all of my refinancing. I’d spend a considerable amount of money paying pesky highway tolls in Minisoda and Connect4icut. I’d be a guest at the Swift-Kelce wedding, the real one, that’s happening next week. ♦